An Open Letter to the Woman Disappointed In the Way She’s Loved

silhouette of woman during dawn

Photo by Murilo Folgosi on

Dear Sister,

Yes, I call you sister… and although I may not know your face or your name, you are indeed someone who shares my struggle & we have a common parent, God.

So my dear sister… I want you to know that you are not alone.  As Valentine’s day approaches, the topic of love inevitably draws near.  Currently my social media timeline is filled with men trying to tell women who’s going to find out that they’re some man’s second best… so I just want to tell you, just in case you thought that you weren’t, you are enough. You may be sad right now, or maybe even angry… But contrary to what you may think, I did not write this letter to tell you, “You don’t love yourself enough.”

When women “fail” at love or become disappointed in the way they are loved, people tend to immediately jump to tell them, “You don’t love yourself enough”. This has confused me… often. Personally, I have not frequently been of the impression that I was not enough. Although I have, like you probably have overcame some insecurities, comparison & doubting my worth are not common issues of mine… especially not romantically. In fact, I would say that I think very highly of myself. & I hope that you do too. But even when you think yourself to be worth more than diamonds and gold, you still find “self love”, as some call it, becoming another backdrop for an episode of Disappointment: My Pitiful Love Life, Season (insert age here). Sometimes you get angry at the stupidity of your suitors, and in some cases your husband. Why is it that they can’t see how great you are? Why won’t they give you what you deserve?? How dare they??… But in the end, you may find yourself wondering why is it that you, in all your beauty and glory, are still… single, unloved, or underloved.

I know you sister. We are one in the same. We like being able control so many things in our lives. We make preparations. We’re smart and goal oriented. When we gain weight, we plan to lose it and (sometimes) we do. When we have a test coming up, we study and we ace it. We calculate. “So if I place x amount of hours of work in, my life should yield a result of y.” But there is no formula for love and life is not a vending machine.  You do the right things. You make sacrifices and love genuinely. We may feel like we DESERVE love. But Love requires us to give up control. And that’s scary.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

But you love love sister. As much as you may lose, as much of a risk it is, you try anyway. And I applaud you for that. You have not let people harden your heart. You know love is invaluable.

But when love is unrequited, you feel shame. You know how much you’re worth so you get upset and angry for giving your love to someone who did not value it… to someone who did not recognize how rare YOUR love is… So you still find yourself disappointed in two people: (1) yourself and (2) the person you gave your love to.

But this is where you need to shift focus.

Don’t ask yourself why someone didn’t love you or treat you the way they should. And I know you know you’re priceless but by focusing on how others feel about you, you open the doors of depression and can cause worry and anxiety to pour on you like a flood. I don’t want that for you sister. I don’t want that for us.

So instead of focusing on who didn’t love you,  who almost loved you or who may have never loved you, focus on WHO DOES. Let go. & Do not try to convince yourself that you are asking for too much.  When you decide to give your priceless love to someone, you give it wisely (I know you will) but ultimately remember that you may not get it in the manner or amount that you gave your love to them. Be okay with that.

Even if the love you give is never returned, know that you have done something some people cannot do. It takes courage to love. Love is NEVER wasted. Remember the Bible tells us that love NEVER fails. There is no such thing as a failed marriage or a failed relationship. You had a goal sister, but the goal was rerouted. & God is the navigation system…

So even if the love you give never changes, impacts or molds the target of your affection, it builds you and often builds people around you. You do not love in vain. The way you love is honorable sister. Let no one take that from you.

Ultimately, remember that God knows best. Whatever happens, give it to God. And you may not understand why things don’t seem to work out for you, but in the end, they will. God is working.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future – Jeremiah 29:11

So even if you’re spending this Valentine’s Day alone, you don’t need someone to love you. You are love itself…Walking, breathing and beautiful.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. – Proverbs 13:12


Skyler Elizabeth




2 thoughts on “An Open Letter to the Woman Disappointed In the Way She’s Loved

  1. Xenophobe Fedison says:

    But there is no formula for love and life is not a vending machine. You do the right things. You make sacrifices and love genuinely. But Love requires us to give up control. And that’s scary.

    This is very true. My favorite is that no formula exist for the perfect love. Everyone love and expression of love isn’t the same, but once we walk in Gods love it will be on one accord and in agreement and completeness because or love is complete in God.


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