“Don’t ever let a man treat you like an option. If he doesn’t want to choose you, do yourself a favor and choose yourself. Choose to walk away.” – A quote by…. have no idea. (lol)
I remember telling someone I was dating that I did not want to be treated like an option. I was upset, disappointed and wanted him to need me. I guess I had been listening to too many love songs about not being able to breathe without another person, and I wanted that breathtaking experience. Little did I know at the time, this was problematic for both he and I…
Option – a thing that is or may be chosen (dictionary.com)
At the end of the day, everyone in your life is optional. No matter how great they are… The reality is PEOPLE HAVE CHOICES. By seeking to be needed, we are seeking to be validated by someone else.
“What the superior man seeks is in himself; [is] what the small man seeks in others.”
Nowadays, I don’t want to be needed. You should be whole without me and I should be whole without you. I should know how to be happy alone and vice versa… But it is invaluable to be appreciated enough to be prioritized.
This is one reason why I find friendships and relationships to be so beautiful. To have someone who is self aware, and sees themselves as complete to value you, your bond, presence and impact so much that you both willingly choose each other is phenomenal.
I want you to feel like you can live without me. And that goes for anyone. Family, friends, lovers… In fact, I hope that you know that you can live without me. That way , in event of my absence, illness or death, you will survive. Do not make me such an idol in your life that you cannot go on. My wish is to never be someone’s sole source of joy. Live and love even if I cannot be in your life for whatever reason.
Unfortunately, a lot of us are codependent. Codependent people are usually highly caring. But they are also often characterized as people who have low self esteem, have poor boundary setting skills, & tend to want people to be pleased with them. Codependents usually have great intentions. But sometimes our desires to want to be “good people” end up with us being taken advantage of. We get in one sided relationships, over exert ourselves to help people overcome addictions and make sacrifices for others that we know they may never make for us…. but, we want them to. People in codependent relationships often enable negative behavior of their lovers as a result of their “caring”. The term ‘codependency’ is often used describe relationships where a person is needy, or dependent upon another person. Codependents stay quiet to avoid arguments or become bossy and demanding. They need people to behave in a certain way to feel secure. So they try to violate other people’s option to make decisions (usually in the form of ultimatums) to make themselves feel safe.
Sounds familiar? If so, know that there’s hope. You don’t have to remain a codependent.
Let people treat you like an option. Know and accept that you are an option. You should want to be an option. Who wants to be held to this tiring standard of being someone’s ultimate source of joy? Besides, being choosen due to free will makes relationships & love all the more desireable. Even God wants to be chosen freely. It’s why he gave us free will in the first place.
The moment you feel uneasy about a situation or a relationship, recognize that that is not the time to try to control what the other person does. Control your decisions. Set your own boundaries before involving yourself with people. Know what you’re willing to work on and what you’re not. Where a person decides to place you as an option is something you have no control over. No matter how well you cook or clean, no matter how good you are in bed, no matter how much value you feel you add to someone’s life, you will NEVER be able to control people treating you as an option. Don’t waste your energy trying to convince them otherwise. Value is recognized, not earned.
We all appreciate reciprocity in our relationships. But unfortunately, All relationships won’t be equal. Sometimes you’ll be able to give more than the other person may be capable of giving. Be understanding of that. Most healthy relationships have a good balance of give and take overtime but this is different for everyone.
Again, remember to set boundaries, INDIVIDUALLY. You ARE an option for other people. For me, I what I won’t be doing is prioritizing or inviting people into my life to the extent that it compromises my heart, health, mind or soul. At that point, that’s where my self preservation begins and ties may need to be cut.
So in conclusion, I say this: God controls the waves, but you control your ship. You can invite people to be aboard your crew, but make sure you know & set the requirements for those crewmen. When your crewmen fail to meet their standard of employment in your life, fire them. No more, no less.
If you want to be treated like a king or queen, you have to identify what that looks and feels like FOR YOU. Let no one determine whether you wear the crown in your life. Wear it and own it.