“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”
“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling,
A lot of people say the key to avoiding disappointment is to not expect anything. Although that sounds good, it’s essentially impossible..
I have spent a large portion of my life, essentially, “packing light”. If you’re wondering what that means, think of a nomad. Nomads consistently travel from one location to another with NO settled home. As a result, in order to accomadate such a lifestyle, you have to only bring the essentials. So, I would try not to get too attached in this, too involved to that, or too close to this person… I was used to no one really staying around. but if we live this way we never really take root in anything. By doing this I thought I would avoid a lot of things. Never really get hurt. Never really get too disappointed. Expect nothing and learn to be grateful with what I was presented with. And in some ways, it worked, in other ways it DEFINITELY didn’t.
I spent a lot of time subconsciously LYING TO MYSELF.
Now I am generally, a nonchalant person. I’m not easily moved by much and it takes a lot for me to get excited about things. But this little piece of me kind of became a piece of a bigger problem as I got older. Don’t get me wrong sometimes it is good to be nonchalant. But I learned to cast everything to the side. It was always “It doesn’t matter”, “Oh well”, and “I’ll get over it eventually”… I would repeat this mantra with so many things… but it never really worked. Eventually it would just accumulate into a large pile of things I thought I was “over” and they would come cascading down on me like an avalanche.
The reality is that people form expectations. There are things that we all want. They may not come in the form of a list of requirements, but they do form. And most times gradually. We realize that we want to stay somewhere longer, be a part of a bigger picture, hold on to someone tighter, or take the next step. In the process of giving and receiving, connections are formed. It’s important to realize that although something may not be written in paper, there can very LIKELY be an unspoken connection or attachment. And this is where the theory of packing light fails. It’s human nature to want a “home”. To want stability. No one want to go place to place, job to job, person to person…. It’s draining. Although some people may take pleasure in these things, it’s a cumbersome process.
Now in no way am I asking you to become the bag lady, but if you have dirty clothes, WASH THEM… If you’ve become a pack rat, sort out your mess. If you waste red wine on your carpet, just because you put the couch over the stain, doesn’t mean your house is clean. THE STAIN IS STILL THERE. You may not think you’re keeping things with you, but if you constantly throw things behind you, realize that you are NOT throwing them away They’re temporarily out of sight but not out of mind.
There were things I would feel and ignore… well, I would try to anyway. I was under the impression that I could persuade myself that I was whatever I said I was. And again, sometimes “speaking things into existence” does work… but DENYING the existence of things DOES NOT. They have to be dealt with. In some way, shape, form, or fashion, they have to be addressed.